The Six Month Blues

August 25, 2009

I’ve now been living at my site, Dilla, for a little over six months and have been in Ethiopia for almost nine months. It’s ok, you can allow yourselves to be shocked that you’ve made it so long without me; I know I am. I mean, I’m shocked I’ve made it so long without YOU, of course! :) So apparently, according to the Peace Corps Emotional Rollercoaster (it’s not just internal, they actually have a graph), I should be in a little downward dip at this 6-month point of my service. Damn Peace Corps, I pride myself on being such an individual and they got me down to a T with their stupid rollercoaster.

Things have been tough lately. On a bright note, the harassment, although still very much present, has been getting better. “Benny” is quickly catching on and I am feeling a little more integrated in my very large community. While I am on that, I was disappointed to learn from my mom that many of you did not get my “Jets” reference. It’s Elton John, folks; “Benny and the Jets”. Maybe you’ve heard it before. Not one of my fave Elton hits but it fits the bill.

Anyway, what’s been difficult lately is mostly feeling a little unaccomplished with work. The American in me (I know, I didn’t think there was much in me either) is kicking in and naturally expecting to see results after 6 months of “work”. Not only are there no results, I have no concrete projects in the works. I feel like I am still just trying to meet people and so far behind the other volunteers. I am sure everyone is feeling this way, but I am still having a difficult time breaking my self-criticism and frustration.

I’ve also been pretty homesick lately. The funny thing about being homesick is that sometimes I find myself missing the strangest things/places. Of course I miss the people I love most and the places I love most (NY and my favorite spots within it). But sometimes places pop into my head and, while missing it terribly, I think, “I’ve only been there like 2 times” or “I don’t even like that place.” For instance, I find the hot dog stand outside the City Hall subway station popping into my head far too frequently. Granted, those that know me know I LOVE a good street hotdog but I can count the number of times I have been to City Hall on two hands (mostly to deliver grants to government buildings or for ROC events) and can count the number of times I have bought hotdogs at that stand on one hand. Yet I think about and miss it frequently.

The other place that caught be by surprise and let me know I was really having a tough time here, was when I found myself yearning to be in Los Angeles. No offense, Sister, I know you love it, but LA is really not my kind of place. When all of a sudden I had an image of LA in my head and wanted to be there, I was like, “Whoa, Bonnie. You need to get a grip.” Hehe.

I guess the stranger thing is that, even though I miss home so much, this place really does feel like a home of sorts. My life here feels like life; not a vacation, not this crazy temporary experience, but just life. In the beginning I had to tell myself that this was home for the next two years; that this was my life now. Now, I just think it naturally. Thinking about my life being anything different is what’s abnormal. The way I think about life in America is similar to the way I think nostalgically on my time studying abroad in Barcelona: an amazing time, but one that is over. It’s also kind of like the way people in America think about what it would be like to live in Italy or something. You imagine it being filled with drinking good wine and eating amazing aged cheese and salami all the time. It’s all romanticized and glorified.

That’s kind of how I think about life in America now. I think about summers playing in Central Park with my friends, eating any type of food I want, seeing more than two different races of people, getting someplace in less than 2 hours and without someone practically sitting on my lap, etc. Can you believe I even romanticize riding the subway?! I tend to leave out details like having to work, being broke and the like. But ultimately, I think it’s a good thing for me. Eventually, I will have to face “American” reality but in the meantime, living in America doesn’t feel like reality to me. Ethiopia is real; America is a dream. And if I keep thinking that way, I think I will last here longer than I sometimes want to.

Speaking of that, I have sad news. This week, we are losing two more volunteers from my group. Christina (who is from CT and whose mom works with my Aunty Mary) and CR (one of my good friends who lives relatively close to me…8 hours-ish) have both decided to Early Terminate (ET) and will both be back in the States within a week. Christina leaves on Thursday and CR will probably be gone by Monday. I am going into Addis Ababa this weekend to say goodbye to her. Both of them recently traveled outside of Ethiopia (CR to the States and Christina to Germany, where her mom is from and boy friend lives) and upon returning, realized that they were much happier in those respective places. Neither of them have been very happy since we have been at site and it seems this is the best thing for them. I completely support them but I’ll also miss them a lot. I am sure you all remember from my blog posts in the past how difficult it is to lose fellow volunteers. We really are a family here.

However, while I am on that note, I have a happy update on my friend Travis (the one who was forced to go home because of asthma). He applied to re-enroll into another PC program, one which could deal with his medical condition, and just last week left for the Philippines! Although it’s daunting to have to start all over again, he is really happy with his placement (and with good reason, that sounds way better than Ethiopia!). So I am really happy for him about that.

Anyway, there is just a quick little emotional update for you all. I am hanging in there and am optimistic about my future here. I still don’t really know what is going to happen work-wise but I have faith something will come together. Hopefully I’ll be climbing that next big hill on the rollercoaster soon. As always, thank you for your love and support. If anyone has any interest in supporting me more, um, tangibly, here are some things that I enjoy receiving:

Will accept unlimited supplies of:
-canned chicken and tuna (in water)
-cheese of any kind (it travels fine, I swear)
-beef/turkey jerky and summer sausage/hard salami (also travels fine)
-chips or crackers (triscuits and stonewheat are favorites)
-chocolate
-pasta and rice seasoning packets, like Knorr or Zataran’s black beans and rice or jambalaya
-nuts and dried fruit
-entertainment (books, DVDs, news magazines, puzzles, paint-by-numbers, crafts of any kind)
-recipes! (preferably ones that don’t have very exotic ingredients; simple is better)

Things I need only one of so communicate with each other:
-the book, The Magus by John Fowles
-a Schick Quattro women’s razor
-a dark-colored fitted sheet (anything you have extra in your closet, doesn’t need to be new, just dark because it’s dirty here. And they only sell top sheets which really don’t stay tucked in.)

And seriously, please feel no obligation to send me anything. I’m not starving or anything. Just if you WANT to send me something, these are some helpful hints. But I will accept ANYTHING gratefully so don’t feel tied to this list. Thanks!